We found them!

Brian and I just got home from our orientation with another adoption agency, and we loved them! This is it.... we have started the process. We will send in our pre-registration form tomorrow and await our LARGE packet of application materials. I'm so beyond excited! I feel like I'm doing something now... and more importantly I feel like we are doing the RIGHT thing. Tonight just felt right. Everything about it fit us. Something clicked and I just knew... these are the people who are going to help us find our future child.

So, as far as a time line goes, they say that it can take up to a month to get your application complete. It all depends on you and how fast you gather all your information. There will be TONS to do... but I can't wait! I can't wait to feel like I'm working towards something, towards something so big and wonderful I can't even describe it.

I'm just happy.

Is it time to start yet???

I feel like we have been in the same spot for so long already. With MA I always felt like I was doing something, usually physically to my body and then waiting for a "quick" result in a couple of weeks. This seems to be going much slower. I know that once we finally choose an agency, that we'll get busy with the application process and everything that follows. I just want to that stuff to start now!

We have one more orientation on Thursday and then we'll be able to decide what we are doing. After that, it's the anticipation of being accepted into an agency. It's hard for me not to think about the what if's... what if they don't accept us, what if we really can't start our adoption process now because of certain rules, what if a birth mom doesn't pick us.... WHAT IF.

I'll keep you all posted, but for now there isn't much to tell. It's just me waiting, very impatiently for this process to really get started.

Finding Myself Again

It's amazing how much of myself I have lost of the last two plus years. I feel like I was giving so much of my body, mind and spirit to TTC that now that I'm not in it anymore, I don't even know who I am. Who am I if I'm not trying everything I possibly can to get pregnant? I feel like I wasn't as good of a friend or wife or daughter or employee all because of infertility. How can one tiny part of who you are take over so quickly?

Slowly over the last few weeks I have realized how much of myself I had lost and it has been fun getting back to "normal" again. I feel clearer, lighter, more at ease than I have in such a long time. I feel like I can be the wife I know that I once was and should be. I feel like I can be the friend that I know I haven't been for awhile. I feel like I will be more focused in all aspects of my life. I feel good.

And beyond being a better person in my relationships with others, the relationship I have with myself is much better. It's hard when you are the "infertile one" not to feel like you are broken and useless. I'm still infertile, but because I'm not throwing myself into MA every second of everyday, it's easy for me to just feel like myself again. It didn't matter what I did to my mind or body while we were doing infertility treatments, as long as it got us one step closer to me being pregnant. Along that road, it took it's toll. But now, I am happy to say that I'm taking strides to help find the old me again. I'm making decisions that will help in every aspect of my life - mind, body and soul. I'll probably always be infertile - but it will never again take a hold of me like it once did. I feel like the next time I am faced with MA, I'll have the upper hand. Until then, I know that our baby is out there waiting for us. I just keep praying.

Planning Ahead

Brian and I spent pretty much the whole day cleaning in our basement and spare room. It really needed a sprucing up. In the process I decided on our first big "fundraiser". We have a whole corner dedicated to our June project... a HUGE garage sale! I'm pretty excited about for a lot of reasons. 1)We get to get rid of a bunch of stuff... I love doing that!, 2) It has proven to be a great source of income for other couples wanting to raise money for their adoption, and 3) I can get my friends and family involved in our venture. So I'm going to put it out there now... if you have items, big or small, and would like to donate them to our garage sale we would GREATLY appreciate it. I will be doing some heavy advertising in the papers to try to drum up business. With each item I add to our sale pile I feel like it's one step closer to realizing our dreams of becoming a parents!

My first post...

I never thought I would become a blogger. I actually still don't know why people would have any interest in what I have to say. But, in light of some new events taking place in our life, I thought that it might be a good idea to keep people up to date on what is going on as we enter the next stage of our life.

As many of you already know, we have been desperately trying to start a family over the last two-ish years. The last 15 months have been filled with endless appointments, procedures, pills, needles, medications, mood swings (Just ask Brian), and disappointments. If you have never struggled with infertility, it can be a hard thing for anyone to understand or even know what to say to someone going through something so foreign. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband that has been there for me every step of the way. We also have a large network of friends and family that have been a huge support system for us. After struggling for some time, we came to a conclusion about a month ago that December would be our last cycle of fertility treatments. We are by no means abandoning the idea of having biological children one day. We just realized that we don't have to have a biological child to make our dreams of starting our family and becoming parents come true.

The relief that comes with this kind of decision is indescribable. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe again. The entire process of TTC was slowly draining me of any hope that I once had at becoming a mother. And now, even though we have a long road ahead of us, I know that it will end in the two of us holding our precious child in our arms. The idea of it literally brings tears to my eyes.

I started off by buy a book, "Idiots guide to Adoption". No joke, it was and still is a TON of help for me. I had always wanted to adopt someday, but hadn't the slightest idea where to even start. Since then, we have made several decisions. We are going to pursue a domestic infant open adoption. We have narrowed our agency search down to two or three that we will be meeting with in the next couple of weeks. My goal is that by the end of the month we will have finally settled on an agency and will have submitted our application.

What I have learned about adoption is that nothing about this process is going to be easy. It costs a LOT of money, the applications are long, we will need several references from people stating that we would be good parents, someone will be coming to inspect our home, and in the end we have to put our faith in God that a birth mother will eventually pick us for their child. It's going to be a long road. We know that in the coming months and possibly years while we are going through this process we are going to need people surrounding us that support our decision and want to help make our dreams come true.

I guess that's it for now, I'm sure there will be plenty more to come. Thanks for reading!