Finding Myself Again

It's amazing how much of myself I have lost of the last two plus years. I feel like I was giving so much of my body, mind and spirit to TTC that now that I'm not in it anymore, I don't even know who I am. Who am I if I'm not trying everything I possibly can to get pregnant? I feel like I wasn't as good of a friend or wife or daughter or employee all because of infertility. How can one tiny part of who you are take over so quickly?

Slowly over the last few weeks I have realized how much of myself I had lost and it has been fun getting back to "normal" again. I feel clearer, lighter, more at ease than I have in such a long time. I feel like I can be the wife I know that I once was and should be. I feel like I can be the friend that I know I haven't been for awhile. I feel like I will be more focused in all aspects of my life. I feel good.

And beyond being a better person in my relationships with others, the relationship I have with myself is much better. It's hard when you are the "infertile one" not to feel like you are broken and useless. I'm still infertile, but because I'm not throwing myself into MA every second of everyday, it's easy for me to just feel like myself again. It didn't matter what I did to my mind or body while we were doing infertility treatments, as long as it got us one step closer to me being pregnant. Along that road, it took it's toll. But now, I am happy to say that I'm taking strides to help find the old me again. I'm making decisions that will help in every aspect of my life - mind, body and soul. I'll probably always be infertile - but it will never again take a hold of me like it once did. I feel like the next time I am faced with MA, I'll have the upper hand. Until then, I know that our baby is out there waiting for us. I just keep praying.